When did you... When were you gonna tell me?
Soon. Now.
How am I part of the decision now?
What am I supposed to say now?
So, the daddy bear plants his seed in the mommy bear
and it grows into an egg.
Is this about fucking?
Do you know what that means?
The boy puts his pee pee in the girl's doo doo.
Well...
Haven't you ever wished you had somebody else around to play with?
No.
You might like it.
What if I don't like it?
Then you get used to it.
Just because you're used to something...
doesn't mean you like it.
You're used to me.
Yes, well...
In a few months we're all gonna get used to somebody new.
Beautiful.
Hey, Kev. Come over and meet your little sister.
This is your brother. It's Kevin.
It's your big brother.
Yes, yeah.
It's Kevin. Yes, yes...
Kevin! Don't do that.
No, Kevin. That's not nice.
It's OK.
We're getting snacks, okay? Come on.
Christ! To Ecuador? For 2 months? Why can't you send someone else?
I really wanna work this deal.
First he cries too much, then he's too quiet.
Then he makes up his own little language, and it's annoying.
He has trouble toilet-training. A lot of kids do.
And you see this as some kind of personal vendetta?
This is not good for him.
Franklin, pick up the god damn phone!
Pick up the god damn phone.
...13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19...
...20, 21, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27...
Please! Please! Let me have a drink. I'm begging you! Please!
Kevin?
Kevin!
Honey?
Are you ok?
I'm sorry, mom.
Not to worry, sweetheart.
You couldn't help it.
"By my soul," cried Gilbert.
"Art thou the devil in blue, to shoot in that wise?"
"Nay," Quoth Robin, laughing, "not quite so ill as that, I trust."
"And he took up another shaft... " Are you okay, honey?
"And he took up another shaft and fitted it to the string."
"Again he shot..."
"and again he smote the arrow close beside the center;"
"a third time he loosed his bowstring"
"and dropped his arrow just betwixt the other two"
"and into the very center,"
"so that the feathers of all three were ruffled together,"
"seeming from a distance to be one thick shaft."
"And now a low murmur ran all among that great crowd..."
Hey champ. How are you doing?
Feeling better?
Go away. I'm tired.
Oh. Okay.
Sure thing, buddy. You just get some rest, okay?
Don't stop reading, mom.
"Two hundred and eighty score shafts were shot in all,"
"and so deftly were they sped that when the shooting was done"
"each target looked like the back of a hedgehog"
"when the farm dog snuffs at it."
Good afternoon, ma'am.
I hope this isn't an inconvenient time.
Well, it is actually.
Well, we just have a couple of quick questions for you.
What's this about?
Do you know where you are spending the afterlife?
Oh, yes, I do as a matter of fact.
I'm going straight to hell.
Eternal damnation, the whole bit.
Thank you for asking. Okay?
Hey, honey. Let me help you with that.
I can dress myself. Can you leave?
Sure.
I'm glad you're feeling better.
Do you want some more of that chowder for lunch?
Whatever.
- Or a grilled cheese sandwich? - I don't give a rat's ass.
Thank you, dad, this is so cool!
You're welcome, buddy.
Right. Here we go. In the middle.
Oh. Almost. Here.
Take that one. Try again.
Use your finger...
Keep your eyes in the middle.
Good shot, Kev.
You're a natural.
Perfect.
Thanks, dad.
Right.
It's like this.
You wake up.
Then you watch TV.
You get in the car, then you listen to the radio.
Then you go to your little job or your little school
but we're not gonna hear about that on the 6 o'clock news.
Why?
Because nothing is really happening.
Then you go home and watch some more TV.
Or maybe it's a fun night, and you go out
and you watch a movie.
I mean it's got so bad, that half the time
the people on TV,
inside the TV, they're watching TV.
And what are all these people watching?
People like me.
And what are all you doing right now
but watching me?
You don't think they would have changed the channel by now
if all I did was getting "A" in geometry?
Me and Kevin were playing "Christmas kidnapping".
Kevin!
Kevin, you're my friend! You're my friend.
Beat it, Celia. Get me a soda.
No, not that one, you retard.
Get me a root beer. - Hey!
What?
Thanks, Celia. I was thirsty.
Hey, you wanna know a secret?
Come closer.
Do you know who else is thirsty? You don't?
It's the vacuum monster.
Cut it out!
- Hey troops! - Daddy!
Ho, ho, ho. Look what I got! Kev, come here. Give me a hand.
Yeah, sure, dad.
- You wanna dance? - No thanks, Harland.
- Come on. Just one. - I don't dance, really.
Where do you get off, you stuck up bitch?
Do you think anyone else is gonna want you now?
Come on. Stay for another drink.
Come on. Come on.
- Are you excited? - Yeah.
Can we leave a carrot for the reindeer?
- We'll see. - Yeah.
Kevin!
Didn't I see you at the bookstore today?
Nope.
Funny, I could have sworn.
By the way, are you doing anything on Friday?
Why?
I just thought we might do something together.
For fun.
Like, do what?
Maybe take you for dinner.
Or play around with miniature golf?
Okay.
Why didn't you bring a coat?
You just can't get uncomfortable enough, can you?
Uncomfortable? With my own mother?
Whenever I see fat people, they are always eating.
Don�t give me any of this "slow metabolism, it's the glands" crap.
It's food.
They are fat because they eat the wrong food.
Too much of it, and all the time.
You know, you can be kind of harsh sometimes.
You're one to talk.
Yeah, I am.
I wonder where I got it.
Well, you won.
So. What next, momsy?
We're gonna go home. You're gonna get changed into something reasonable.
And I'm taking you to dinner.
Great.
We're going to dinner.
I was hungry.
I'm a growing boy, you know.
I'll have a... calorie salad,
steak, medium rare, and a bottle of merlot.
All right.
So, how's school going?
It's going.
On a course schedule.
How about your teachers? Are there any who are...
Right, what bands am I listening to these days?
Next you can weed all about whether there isn't some cute little cunt
in the front row who's got me itchy.
That way you can Segway into how it's all up to me, of course
but before balling the chick in the hallway, that I might decide to wait until I'm ready.
Right around dessert, you can ask about drugs.
Real careful, like
cause you don't want to scare me into, like, lying my head off.
So you have to say how you've experimented.
Then finally once you've sucked up that entire bottle of wine,
you can go all gooey-eyed
and say how nice it is to spend quality time together,
then scooch over and put your arm around my shoulder.
Give it a little squeeze.
Fuck!
- Your computer is fucked, isn't it? - Yeah. It's fucked.
And so are all the ones at work. I guess I deserved it.
- Why would you let out something like that? - I collect them.
Isn't that a weird thing to collect?
I don't like stamps.
But what is the point?
There is no point.
That's the point.
No, it really hasn't been any trouble at all. Everybody is bringing a dish.
Oh! That's them now. I got to go. OK, you have a great day.
Bye, mom.
Merry Christmas.
Alright, Kev. You're next.
Can you guess what it is?
That's a series 7. The guy in the store said it was the best one.
- Gee, dad. Thank you so much. - Merry Christmas. - It's perfect.
What did you eat for breakfast?
How was your day, Snuffles?
Did you hear that thump?
That's a powerful thing, man.
Celia!
Come on, honey. Time for bed. Here we go.
I thought I closed the door.
Kevin said I'm stupid, and he's right.
You're not stupid, honey.
Don't you worry. We'll find him. Now you scoot down. Come on.
Cozy?
I'm sure Snuffles has gone to the big pet store in the sky.
- Don't say that! Don't say that! - Yes. It's the truth!
Dearly beloved,
We are gathered here to mourn Mr. Snuffles...
Stop it!
...who was snuffed out... tragically early.
So daddy and mommy were looking for him the whole night.
And you know why we couldn't find him?
Because Snuffles has gone to live in the garden.
He's living in the garden now,
with a whole bunch of new animal friends.
Celia.
Okay, give me the spoon.
So, they're having a big party tonight...
with the chipmunks, and the squirrels, and the raccoons...
and they're eating nuts, and berries,
and they're gonna have a whole bunch...
Why did you leave the drain stuff out?
I didn't.
- I put it away! - Then how did it get out?
Ask Kevin.
Kevin did it.
You need to go talk to someone.
Kev, mom had something that she wanted to tell you.
I wanted to...
thank you for calling the ambulance.
And?
And...
I was concerned that you might be feeling responsible.
Why is that?
Because you was supposed to be looking after her.
We just don't want you to blame yourself.
No. I don't... I mean I... I never said I did.
She's gonna need a glass eye, Kevin.
So, we would appreciate you looking after her,
and any name-calling...
You don't really remember being a kid much do you, dad?
Celia is just gonna have to suck it up.
I thought you didn't like those.
Well, they're a... Now what do you call it...
an acquired taste.
I'm so sorry.
There you go.
Okay.
Thank you, mommy.
- Hey, kiddo. Going to practice? - Yeah, you know it.
- Hey, Celia, you wanna come collect arrows? - No!
So... What do you wanna do?
We'll last out the school year if we can and...
make arrangements over the summer.
At least custody is a no-brainer.
Is it?
You've decided?
Eva, there's nothing left to decide.
It already happened.
- Needed a drink of water. - Hey you, Kev.
Listen, buddy,
it's easy to misunderstand something when you hear it out of context.
Why would I not know the "context"?
I am the context.
- You have to appeal. - No.
But you'll lose everything, the business, your house.
I hate the house. I always have.
You'll rot in hell!
A personal for Kevin Khatcha... ...dourian?
- Careful, it's heavy. - It is? - Yeah.
- Have a nice day. - You, too.
What are they for? You never ride your bike.
I got these for a song of the web.
I'll make a bundle selling them at school.
Like Donald Trump, huh.
I'll take you back to my ship.
1, 2, 3. 1, 2, 3.
Ready for the big dip?
1, 2, 3. 1, 2, 3.
I'm charmed to meet you, young lady
- Yeah.
- Yes, I did. - Did you eat all your cereal?
- Yes, I did. - Alright.
You're a little clammy. Feeling okay?
Never better.
Hey, only three days to go till you're 16.
We should do something. How about Sunday?
Don't know.
Might be tied up.
Come on, clean up some of this mess and then we're gonna get dressed and go.
I do not want to go to school.
I know, but daddy has to take a shower, we have to go.
Say goodbye!
Do you think we could make some time to talk later, just the two of us,
without the kids?
I really wanna work this thing out.
Doesn't Kevin go to Gladstone High?
Franklin...
Pick up the god damn phone! Franklin...
I have my son there.
Kevin?
Kevin!
Have you seen Kevin?
Kevin!
Lauren!
Franklin?
Celia?
Franklin?
Celia?
You don't look happy.
Have I ever?
I'm almost 18, aren't I?
What is it? Going to the big school making you nervous?
Nervous?
Do you know anything about those places?
Well, you managed it all so well.
Tried as a minor. Out of your head on Prozac.
You'll be out of there in a couple years.
Do you know what day it is today?
Why the let me come see you on a Monday?
Sure. It's my anniversary.
Two years.
Plenty of time to think about it.
I want you to tell me why.
Used to think I knew.
Now I'm not so sure.
Time's up.